Thirty Ways to Annoy King Uther Pendragon & Co
by Kitty O
Summary: A guide from the expert. See, I know it's been done, but we needed one for those of us who don't like slash. Rating is for some minor suggestive comments. Mentions Arwen, ArMor, U/Y, Mergana... Basically all and anti-slash, mostly anti-Merthur/Arlin
1. Uther

_Okay, yes. It has been done before. Twice, from what I've seen. BUT there needs to be one for those of us who love Uther but don't love slash. SOOO…Here you go. Some references to Arwen and Gorlois's wife, so a little bit…suggestive at times. Nothing too bad. _

**Thirty Ways to Annoy Uther Pendragon**

**A Guide from the Expert**

ONE. When he starts his magic-is-evil spiel, talk along with him. When he glares at you, tell him innocently that you know the words too—you've memorized them!

TWO. Whenever insulted, refer to someone as a 'troll' within his hearing. Then look ashamed and say, "I'm sorry; Uther has a _special affection _for trolls, doesn't he?"

THREE. When he asks you for anything, reply in a sing-song voice, "What's the _MAGIC_ word?"

FOUR. After you do number 3, clap your hand over your mouth in exaggerated horror and cry, "I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! DON'T KILL ME!"

FIVE. Ask if he thinks the cape makes him sexy.

SIX. When he denies it, pat him on the shoulder and say that you don't blame him; you think so too!

SEVEN. After Gorlois has been brought up, and especially while Morgana is in a room, ask him chipperly if he knows the story of King David and his betrayal of the soldier Uriah*. **(*This can be found in 2 Samuel 11:1 and the rest of the chapter.)**

EIGHT. If he denies it, then look delighted and tell him the story of how David got his soldier's wife pregnant, and then he sent the soldier to be killed… Here, trail off and stare at Morgana with wide eyes.

NINE. Show him you are a sorcerer. Let him arrest you. Escape from jail. Again and again.

TEN. Tell him that, next season, the writers plan to kill him horribly!

ELEVEN. Ask him in a low voice if Ygraine new about those 'tempting serving girls' he mentioned to Arthur…

TWELVE. Go on a walk with him. Every five seconds point to a different person and scream something along the lines of: "Oh, no! It's a sorcerer! He looked at you funny! He must be EVIL!"

THIRTEEN. Tell him you love him, but that you understand if he wants to wait until he's moved past these trust issues.

FOURTEEN. Continually call to him as such: "GILES! I mean, UTHER! Sorry."

FIFTEEN. Tell him you aren't seeing him getting much love from his grandkids, especially after someone explains how he killed their OTHER grandfather…

SIXTEEN. Tell him chain mail makes him look fat.

SEVENTEEN. Whenever he says something dumb, stare at him with raised eyebrows and ask if his crown is too tight.

EIGHTEEN. Walk around the castle behind him saying his best lines under your breath and chuckling wildly. "_Then don't look_…Heehee…" Then answer yourself with all the BURNS he's received. "_And you, Uther—you will go to hell…_ heehee…"

NINETEEN. Tell him that, as a king, a person, and a man, you have the greatest respect for him. Until he opens his mouth.

TWENTY. Ask him: "So, why did you let a boy you only met once, but saved your son's life, work in the palace? How did you know it wasn't a trick? How did you know he _wasn't a sorcerer_?" Then look at Merlin slyly.

TWENTY-ONE. No matter what he says, reply with "YOUR FACE!" or "YOUR MOM!"

TWENTY-TWO. Wonder out loud whether or not being grabbed by the neck, threatened, and thrown in prison affected Morgana's decision to become evil at all.

TWENTY-THREE. Ask if he would like the term "Merthur" explained to him, but if he says yes, refuse to define it. Tell him you don't want to scare him.

TWENTY-FOUR. Ask if he wants the grandkids to call him Pop, Granddad, or Grandfather. While talking about this, stare continually at Gwen's belly until he notices.

TWENTY-FIVE. Ask him innocently why he doesn't support ArMor.

TWENTY-SIX. While shooting looks at Merlin, confess to Uther that you think he's losing his touch at spotting sorcerers. But that's okay; it happens when you get senile.

TWENTY-SEVEN. When he's giving his speech to the sorcerer about to die, shout, "Aw, we heard this one LAST time! Be more original!"

TWENTY-EIGHT. Tell him he would love the Harry Potter Books. He really reminds you of some of the characters, like Voldemort. And Umbridge.

TWENTY-NINE. Take his hand and tell him gently that just because his daughter hates him with all her heart and tries to destroy Camelot, and his son runs around with serving girls, breaking the tradition of many years, and also is close friends with a servant—Well, that doesn't necessarily reflect his parenting skills. Look very sympathetic.

THIRTY: Walk solemnly in the room. Hand him a large plaque with the words engraved on it: AWARD FOR BIGGEST *insert bad word here* OF THE YEAR. Walk out again.

_A/N: I hope you enjoyed and maybe even laughed. Review and tell me your favorites?_


	2. Merlin

**Thirty Ways to Annoy Merlin**

**A Guide from the Expert**

ONE. If he ever asks where you're going, reply with, "Oh, you know, off to kill Uther, kidnap Arthur, pulverize Camelot until it's just dust. Is that a problem?"

TWO. Every time he tries to speak, cut him off, accuse him of being stupid, and throw him into the stocks. Continue this until he tries to murder you out of frustration.

THREE. Mimic Arthur's voice just behind him every time he uses magic: "_Mer_lin, you _idi_ot, what are you _do_ing?" Laugh when he jumps in surprise.

FOUR. Refuse to be his friend, saying, "I know what happens to the people in your life!" Refer to Balinor, Freya, Gaius, Hunith, etc…

FIVE. Ask if he's watched any women sleep lately.

SIX. Ask if he's hidden under Arthur's bed lately.

SEVEN. Every time he speaks to Arthur, begin to giggle and say in an insinuating tone, "Oh, that could SO be misconstrued!"

EIGHT. Ask him if he can make you taller.

NINE. Tell him you're worried about him because he's hearing little boys' voices in his head—Say you want to send him "someplace they can help".

TEN. Accuse him of not being chivalrous… "What kind of gentleman would blow up as many women as you have?"

ELEVEN. Come up behind him and sing the theme song in his ear, really loudly.

TWELVE. If someone asks you anything that has to do with Merlin, find a way to add "His name…_was Merlin_!" into your answer. Every time.

THIRTEEN. Ask if he prefers to be called Merlin, Emyrs, or Idiot.

FOURTEEN. Then, ask if he has a multiple personality disorder.

FIFTEEN. Whenever he begins to get teary-eyed, tell him to man up, that real men don't cry. Point to Arthur as Exhibit A.

SIXTEEN. Tell him Arthur's hotter than he is.

SEVENTEEN. Insist he's jealous of Arthur and Gwen's relationship. Then tell Arthur that Merlin saw Gwen first and he wants her.

EIGHTEEN. Tell him that you_ don't_ find his dragon-lord voice sexy. In the least.

NINETEEN. Suggest all the explicit Merthur fanfictions for him to read, but don't tell him what they are. (Watch his face when he looks them up.)

TWENTY. When angry, call him "Bird-brain" and then say "_Bird_-brain? A _merlin _bird? GET IT?" (He never does.)

TWENTY-ONE. Ask if you can have a turn with 'the fairy wand' and blow up some Shee (or whatever they're called) yourself.

TWENTY-TWO. Tell him that YOU love his ears, even if _every other female_ in Camelot thinks they're silly.

TWENTY-THREE. When he recites one of those lines that are definitely written just to encourage slash (you know the ones), shout "Stop it! Stop it! Stop encouraging this!" Press your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to him for the rest of the day.

TWENTY-FOUR: Agree with Arthur all the time. Tell Merlin he's wrong. (Nothing bugs him so much.)

TWENTY-FIVE: When dark magic rears its ugly head, run to Gaius screaming in a falsetto, _"Gaius! Gaius! Magic's attacking! What can we do? Should we cry? Should we have a long philosophical discussion about the dangers involved and how careful we need to be? Should we get loved ones killed? I need your help for every little plan I come up with, Gaius! Tell me what to do so I can ignore you and nearly die again!" _

TWENTY-SIX: Say "destiny, schmestiny" in a disparaging tone quite often.

TWENTY-SEVEN. After 26, say, "You bore me; I'm going to the tavern. You can't come, Merlin; _you're_ too young."

TWENTY-EIGHT: After the day is saved (preferably with a long, grueling battle), say, "Psh! That's all there is to it? Looks easy, Merlin. Don't see what you're always complaining about!"

TWENTY-NINE. Refer to him as "Arthur's pet" or "Arthur's follower". For added effect, yap at him or pat him on the head with little "good doggies" in a baby voice.

THIRTY. Tell him you're going hunting for a few days for very dangerous magical creatures that would as soon kill him as look at him. It breathes fire and poison. Its claws are also coated with a poison that kills you slowly over the course of a few weeks. (No cure, naturally.) Then add: "And guess what, _Mer_lin? You are the only person in the group who's not going to wear ANY armor OR carry a weapon! Doesn't that sound FUN?"

* * *

**A/N: This was really hard! Merlin isn't a hypocrite like Uther or a silly doofus (funny word!) like Arthur, and most of the things I can make fun of are all SLASH! It's very hard to tease him otherwise. And that's against the rules, slashing in a no slash story. (Especially since I don't do slash.) So it wasn't as good as Uther's. Hopefully Arthur's will be better. Please review and tell me what you thought. Which ones did you like?**

**By the way, since I don't know when I'll post again or when I'm going to stop writing this, I'm leaving it as Complete. **


	3. Gwaine

**Thirty Ways to Annoy Gwaine**

**Wait, there's an expert at this?**

* * *

_Just kidding! You seriously thought I knew 30 ways to annoy Sir Gwaine? Not even _I'm _that cool! He's just _too_ easygoing (not even slash can bring him down) but I did manage to think up a few:_

ONE. Refuse him a drink.

TWO. Mess with Merlin.

THREE. Insult his dead father. (More cruel than annoying, actually.)

FOUR. (Girls) Refuse to lift your skirts. (Now THIS will annoy him.)

_Yep, that's it; I wasn't serious about this chapter. Next chapter, however, has the promised thirty. It's following this in about five minutes... So review this chapter, if you don't mind, and then go on!_


	4. Arthur

**Thirty Ways to Annoy Arthur Pendragon**

**A Guide from the Expert (**_**Rules and Regulations**_**, anyone?)**

* * *

ONE. Pronounce everyone's name the way he does Merlin's. (_Ar_thur, _U_ther, _Gai_us, _Morg_ana…)

TWO. Call Gwen '_Gu_ine_vere_' with lots of looks in his direction.

THREE. Ask if he ever regrets not killing his father that one time, all things considered.

FOUR. Refer to his sword as his "personal innuendo." (Come on, you know it's true… That sword, lol…)

FIVE. Beat up on Merlin. (This is greatly effective, as, you know, ONLY ARTHUR is allowed to try and kill his servant.)

SIX. Every time he looks at a woman, throw up your arms in frustration and cry, "That's it! ANOTHER LOVE SPELL! Go get Gaius, Merlin; here we go again!"

SEVEN. Say you're not sure any knight can be considered "good" if they can't even beat their own bed draperies… (_Goblin's Gold_)

EIGHT. Every time he stops and talks to Morgana, scream, "EW! INCEST! EWWW! STOP IT, PLEASE!"

NINE. Order him to take off his shirt at random times, like dinner, in Gaius's, while training with the knights, etc. If he ignores you, fuse in some warnings so he'll have to take it off: "Stop, drop, and roll! Fire!" (Not only is this great fun, but you entertain the fangirls.)

TEN. Ask him about his sleep attire: "No shirt at all, but your daytime pants? How is that comfortable? Who _does_ that?"

ELEVEN. See how _he_ likes having things chunked at _HIS_ head from behind. (Hmph.)

TWELVE. Tell him Gaius wants to check him for brain damage after the number of times he's been knocked out.

THIRTEEN. Tell him he probably needs to lock his door more often, especially if he's going to keep very important things in his chambers and not wear a shirt to bed. "You don't even want to _KNOW_ the number of people who've watched you sleep…" Including us viewers.

FOURTEEN. Give him a nightshirt for a birthday present.

FIFTEEN. If he doesn't want it, tell him it's to cut down on the Merthur fanfictions (And in the TV show, because there are times when I really wonder whose side those writers are on!).

SIXTEEN. If he starts a sentence with, "I think" cut him off and shout "YOU THINK?"

SEVENTEEN. Tell him he didn't kill the dragon.

EIGHTEEN. Tell him he didn't kill the undead army.

NINETEEN. Tell him that not only did he not kill the pixie/Sidhe thingy, he was too stupid to even notice it existed!

TWENTY. Tell him that Merlin's WAYYYY hotter than he is. If he fails to be impressed, sing Merlin's praises until he starts to run his fingers through his hair in that exasperated way he has.

TWENTY-ONE. Ask if he wants to talk about his feelings for Gwen.

TWENTY-TWO. Ask him how, if he's had those terrible reflexes in battle all his life (spears to his sideand back, anyone?), he managed to live past age 12?

TWENTY-THREE. When he says, "No man is worth your tears," respond with: "Yeah? No man? How about when Uther was dying and you 'just needed him to live'? How about then? WHY'D YOU CRY THEN! How about when you die? DO YOU WANT NO ONE TO CRY THEN? GEEZ!" (_The Last Dragonlord_.)

TWENTY-FOUR. When he gets knocked out, misses Merlin using magic, and then wakes up, meet him with the statement: "Oh, now you're just playing dumb to drag out the plot."

TWENTY-FIVE. Follow him around everywhere. When he asks what the heck you think you're doing, respond that you're waiting for the reveal… "It's coming any moment now… Surely they can't hold it off any longer?"

TWENTY-SIX. Ask if the reason he wants Merlin to learn to knock so badly is that he's hiding Gwen in his chambers somewhere.

TWENTY-SEVEN. Tell him Merlin's a lover, not a fighter! And that _he_'s a little man, not big enough to fill his armor… If you can do this in Morgana's voice, it works better. (_The Poisoned Chalice_.)

TWENTY-EIGHT. Say, "Oh, you _really, truly _never saw the Morgana-taking-Camelot thing coming? _Really_? Because you missed the smirks thrown your way for _ A YEAR_?"

TWENTY-NINE. Tell him he's his father's son. No other admonishment necessary. _(A/N: Just kidding, I LOVE Uther. He's my favorite…)_

THIRTY. Sic Sir Elyan on him, loaded full of rumors about Gwen and Arthur and other not-kid-show stuff he won't like hearing. Watch Arthur try to talk his way out of THAT one.

THIRTY-ONE. Ask if he judges the knights he'll accept to the Round Table by their attractiveness on the "hot scale" first, and swordfighting skills second.

THIRTY-TWO. Explain to him that the sorceresses in red are ALWAYS the bad guys, the ones who chuckle evilly usually ARE evil, and the ones who refuse to talk above a very creepy whisper are usually not too reputable either.

THIRTY-TWO. Laugh at him for not even noticing that I posted more than thirty ways to annoy him and number 32 twice. Oblivious much?

_A/N: He's just too easy to annoy. Love him. Please, please review? I know Gwaine's is short, but I'd appreciate reviews for him too. :) I'll send more when I can. You'll probably get Morgana, too, I think..._


	5. Morgana

I wanted to write the next Rules chapter today. But I couldn't be bothered to watch ep3 AGAIN, so you get this instead. Are you too terribly upset? I'll post RaR later.

ABOUT Gwaine's chapter: I know the show never explicitly states that Gwaine is some kind of player. The reason I put that is because 1, we know he's a flirt with an eye for women. 2, Most fanfictions seem to assumehe's a player. 3, it was funny. 4, he walks around drunk half the time so I worry about his judgement being forever impaired.

**Thirty Ways to Annoy Morgana**

**A Guide from the Expert**

* * *

ONE. To every "Why…?" question, even if it isn't about Merlin, respond: "Because Merlin's a lover, not a fighter!" (This is just as annoying to the actress as the character.)

TWO. Refuse to refer to her by her name. Insert "sister", "dark-haired witch", and "hey, you!" instead. (Soon, she'll forget her OWN name!)

THREE. Tell her you were cheering when Merlin poisoned her. (I know I was.)

FOUR. Never miss a chance to describe her as "patricidal".

FIVE. Tell her you think she and Arthur are ADORABLE together and that you can't IMAGINE why she doesn't like the idea.

SIX. If five doesn't work, just give up and scream "INCEST!" at the first few episodes of s1.

SEVEN. Ask if she's not worried about her sister's face-touching tendencies.

EIGHT. Approach her with: "Some people have been some spreading some rather nasty rumors about you and your maidservant…"

NINE. Ask if she's heard the versions of the legends when Mordred is her child… And Arthur's child. "Now how would that have worked…?"

TEN. Make a drinking game out of the number of times Morgana smirks in plain sight.

ELEVEN. Insult her mother's honor. She can't even argue.

TWELVE. Smirk back at her.

THIRTEEN. Ask if she thinks the smile makes her look seductive or if she has an upset stomach.

FOURTEEN. Give her a pointed hat for her birthday.

FIFTEEN. Wear_ higher_ heels than her that click-clack even _louder_ against the cobblestones at night. Walk as loudly as you can.

SIXTEEN. "So, killing innocent people with magic, that's wrong. There's a special place in hell for people like that. But slaughtering the innocents without magic… That's okay, right? That's what you're saying?"

SEVENTEEN. When she sneaks out for her super-secret-sisterly rendezvous, thinking she's all covert in her bright red cloak and shiny dress, scream to the whole castle: "LOOK AT THE EVIL LYING SHE-WITCH* OFF TO HER SUPER-SECRET-SISTERLY RENDEZVOUS, THINKING SHE'S ALL COVERT!"

EIGHTEEN. Make a "Reasons I Hate Evil!Morgana" list. Follow that list with a "Reasons I Love Good Morgana and Want Her Back" list.

NINETEEN. Tell her the crown looks really stupid on her and doesn't go with her hair.

TWENTY. Tell her Uther's your BFFL. (Best Friend For Life)

TWENTY-ONE. Ask her if the real reason she turned evil was bitterness because her maid gets all the guys.

TWENTY-TWO. Ask her about the Gwaine/Morgana shipping Youtube videos. (And while you're at it, have her explain them to me…?)

TWENTY-THREE. Ask if she's a Mergana shipper, explaining that she and him are so cute together… If you can get past the multiple attempted murders.

TWENTY-FOUR. Tell her Arthur can swordfight better than she can.

TWENTY-FIVE. "You don't get it, do you? No matter how immortal/undead you make your army, _Merlin will destroy them_, stupid!"

TWENTY-SIX. Tell her she could've taken Camelot ten times over already if she would stop with the long torturous deaths and JUST KILL THEM!

TWENTY-SEVEN. Tell her you find her relationship with her sister "weird".

TWENTY-EIGHT. Take over Camelot quickly, efficiently. And don't let her be on your team. (Exclusion!) That'll show her.

TWENTY-NINE. Tell her you think her (hair, figure, teeth, eyelashes, hips, pick a feature) are fake and ask if that would count as sorcery.

THIRTY. Keep a tally of her failed attempts on Camelot/Arthur's life/Uther's life/Merlin's life. Give her awards when she hits numbers like 50, 100, etc.

*'Evil lying she-witch of doom' is not my phrase. I didn't write it. It is the intellectual possession of **Emachinescat**. But it really rolls off the tongue.

**A/N: This story, after Rules and Regulations, has the second highest amount of votes on my poll for best story. I'm shocked, but glad. I hope you enjoyed it… I'll see if I can manage to do Morgause or Cenred or the Dragon. Please, please review. Did you like it? Which were your favorites? **


	6. Morgause and Cenred

_Hey, reviews are much appreciated! It's nice to know if I sound funny or stupid, you know? Also, I MAY add one more chapter (either Gwen or Kilgharrah), but then I'll be done with this for good, okay? Thanks for reading this far!_

**Thirty Ways to Annoy Morgause and Cenred**

**A Guide from the Person Who Wants Nothing to do with Either of Them **

* * *

ONE. Decide they're such small characters that they only require one list of annoyances between them.

TWO. Tell her if she _really _loved her sssssisssster, she'd keep her away from the town where they'd execute her. "No sister of MINE would…"

THREE. Tell him the truth: "She's just NOT that into you!"

FOUR. Ask Cenred on his view on all the Morgause/Morgana stuff around. (I personally think it's worse than ArMor… Incest!)

FIVE. Refer to her as Big Eyes. (Heehee…)

SIX. Tell him his 'methods' have nothing on Arthur's epically legit BA-ness.

SEVEN. Tell her you think Uther is justified.

EIGHT. Tell Cenred that "as adorable as tight leather is, it just… doesn't suit you."

NINE. Accuse her of actually cheating during that fight with Arthur.

TEN. Tell him you find Camelot MUCH preferable to his country… "What was its name again? Estria or something? So forgettable."

ELEVEN. Say she could've saved a lot of trouble if she'd just chopped off Arthur's head when he gave her the chance. (And did she steal that challenge from the Green Knight?)

TWELVE. After you've finished escaping Camelot's dungeons again and again (Ch. 1), take a few turns in Cenred's cells!

THIRTEEN. Ask if she can go a day without touching someone's face or stroking someone's hand without having withdrawals and a mental breakdown.

FOURTEEN. "Mandrake root… Like in Harry Potter? Do you get that question a lot?"

FIFTEEN. Explain to him that in this show, the male villains don't live long.

SIXTEEN. Convince the immortal soldiers/skeletons to rebel. You'll be their leader.

SEVENTEEN. Run around the castle singing, shouting, creating noise, ruining the atmosphere and making it impossible for them to speak in dramatic whispers.

EIGHTEEN. During one of their highly suggestive little chats, wear a confused expression and ask what they're talking about… Is it ice cream? (I may have stolen this idea from someone; I don't remember…)

NINETEEN. Steal his leather pants and wear them! MWAHAHAHA!

TWENTY. Steal her eyeliner and wear it! Double MWAHAHAHA!

TWENTY-ONE. Ask her about her feelings for Leon. ("Knight in Charred Armor" reference. Don't get it, ignore it.)

TWENTY-TWO. Cut his hair while he's sleeping. Then, worse, _wash_ it!

TWENTY-THREE. Ask if she even knows how she's related to Morgana.

TWENTY-FOUR. ***SPOILER FOR s3e12!* **When she kills him, offer this help: "You honestly didn't see that coming? I mean, I hate to say I told you so…"

TWENTY-FIVE. Ask if she's SURE she's Gorlois's child. (Heehee, I could pick on their mother all day long!)

TWENTY-SIX. Ask if the reason he wants our heroes dead is that they're cuter than he is.

TWENTY-SEVEN. *shake her* "Revenge isn't the answer, Morgause! Revenge! Is not! The answer!"

TWENTY-EIGHT. In a tone of disbelief, cry that his men are actually stupider than Arthur's, and his cells are easier to escape!

TWENTY-NINE. Ask if wearing red is a necessity for an evil sorceress.

THIRTY. "Dude… dudette… You really need lives!"


	7. The Great Dragon

_A/N: Way back when I posted ways to annoy Uther, someone told me I should point him towards the explicit fanfictions with Merlin/Uther. I admit, I thought they were kidding. But, out of curiosity, I took the filter off the other day. They weren't kidding. People actually write Merlin/Uther over there in the "M-rated world". Seriously. I can't… I just can't even… I…_

_*shakes head* I don't even know, y'all. I don't even know. Admittedly Uther and Merlin are kinda funny when you stick them together, because Uther loves the word "idiot" more than Arthur does, but still! _

_Also, this will be my last chapter. Tell me if you think I'm getting too nasty. I detest that dragon. _

_And the reason I added that bit at the end is this: Lists are not allowed to be chapters. So I need to make this a "story". _

* * *

**Thirty Ways to Annoy Kilgharrah **

**A Guide from the Expert**

ONE. "Telling him he must protect Arthur at all cost, must make sure Arthur knows magic isn't evil, and then attacking Camelot doesn't seem the slightest bit hypocritical to you?"

TWO. Tell him he's the reason you thought Merlin/Arthur was a legitimate pairing at first.

THREE. Ask if the reason he condemns Morgana in season 2 is because Mergana would've made Merlin happy… And heaven forbid Merlin be happy.

FOUR. Capture him underneath a castle with a magic chain holding him down for 20 years. (AT YOUR OWN RISK.)

FIVE. Get Merlin to use his dragonlord powers to make him give the children in Camelot free horseback (dragonback?) rides.

SIX. Step one: Become a dragonlord. Step two: Meet the dragon. Step three: Give him orders every time Merlin does, but make them contradicting orders. Step four: Watch until he decides whose orders he has to follow or his head explodes.

SEVEN. Show him your thesis on why dragons must be the inferior half of the dragon/dragonlord relationship.

EIGHT. Using your powers from number SIX, make him write "I will not encourage slash" five-hundred times.

NINE. Ask if he's so cryptic because he honestly doesn't know the answers.

TEN. Ask if he's actually trying to kill everyone Merlin loves… Hunith, Morgana, Balinor, Gaius, even Arthur. Or does he just like it when Merlin cries?

ELEVEN. If so, threaten to tell Merlin.

TWELVE. Ask about his obviously unhappy childhood.

THIRTEEN. "You're the last dragon? Thank goodness!"

FOURTEEN. Tell him that, between the two of you, he's really just a plot device.

FIFTEEN. "Your scary voice? Not so scary."

SIXTEEN. Constantly take samples of blood, scales, breath, or fire and say it's for a magic spell.

SEVENTEEN. Accuse him of making the whole "destiny" thing up just to see how long Merlin would fall for it before he realized that was silly.

EIGHTEEN. Secretly, him and Uther are best buds, right? Right?

NINETEEN. Kill Merlin. (A/N: JUST KIDDING! PLEASE DON'T KILL HIM!)

TWENTY. Ignore all of his advice and do whatever the heck you want.

TWENTY-ONE. If he wants to know why you ignore him, give this excuse: "Well, look where it got Merlin!"

TWENTY-TWO. Tell him Gwen's liable to mess up his favorite pairing.

TWENTY-THREE. "You just call him a witch because you have a grudge against her, don't you? What'd she ever do to you?"

TWENTY-FOUR. Tell him you think Arthur's going to stink at being king.

TWENTY-FIVE. Give him the prize for "Most Pointlessly Mysterious".

TWENTY-SIX. "Make up your mind, is 'Magic' his destiny, or is 'Arthur'?"

TWENTY-SEVEN. "Just so you know, I could totally write a slash fanfiction off of that line…"

TWENTY-EIGHT. Tell him you think Uther's right, and magic is evil. After all, Merlin's the exception, not the rule, it would seem.

TWENTY-NINE. "I killed you in my fanfiction last week. And I enjoyed it. Every prophecy-free, slash-free minute of it!"

THIRTY. Tell him no truly powerful magical being would allow themselves to be captured and imprisoned for twenty years... "Weakling".

* * *

Uther gasped in horror as he gripped the book on the bookstand, yanking it away from the seller's stall.

"Look at this!" he demanded. "Gaius, look!"

Gaius came waddling over to see what had distressed his monarch so. "_Thirty Ways to Annoy King Uther Pendragon & Co.: A Guide from the Expert_?" He looked at Uther nervously. "Is this written by the person who was here last week, ruining everyone's lives?"

"Yes! And now she's leaked our secrets to the world! Do you know what that means?"

And Gaius's mind was assaulted with pictures of people scaring Merlin out of his wits, accusing Leon of being evil, picking on Morgause's eyeliner, and calling Kilgharrah a "weakling".

"It means we're doomed, Sire?"

"It means we're doomed, Gaius!"

* * *

_A/N: Favorites? Least favorites? Favorite person over all? Please review! This will be my last one, and I love you all for making it so popular!_


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